Why was Mary such a flaming jerk?  There you are, it’s the 16^th century, you’re the eldest daughter of Henry VIII, whom you revile – after all, he did throw over your mom, Catherine of Seville, for that tramp, Anne Boleyn.   But now Henry’s dead, and so’s your younger brother, Edward IV.  You become Queen.  It’s 1553, the world’s just bursting with creativity – Shakespeare will be born in eleven years, the fashions are fabulous, you’re rich as a sultan.  What’s first on your agenda?  Having a really cool party?  Or, say, feeding the poor?  No.  # 1 is racing around and burning heretics who don’t commit themselves to the Catholic fate – say, those who followed the teachings of Martin Luther, the founder of Lutheranism, or witches, or anybody else that doesn’t fit into your worldview. 

Mary’s now known as “Bloody Mary” for her habit of torching what she regarded as “heathens,” a hobby that she persisted at for about four years.  Mary thought it would be a good idea to burn Protestants because then they’d get a clue of what hellfire felt like, and maybe convert before they died – wouldn’t you?  It’s unclear how many people perished. 

Like many people, when I was little, and had slumber parties, we used to run into the bathroom and have one girl look into the mirror and say “Bloody Mary” three times.  The story was, when you did that, ghoulish, pop-eyed, spider web-draped Mary’s ghost was supposed to lurch into view and then do something horrible to you, like eat your head.  We never found out, because we never said B.M. more than two times before screaming our brains out and running frantic into the hall.

Mary died in 1558, and was succeeded by Elizabeth I, who rocked so much in comparison that she’s been played by both Cate Blanchett and Helen Mirren on the silver and small screens -- though she wasn't perfect, eesh, far too many were whacked under her rule as well.  Anyway, Mary is usually played by some dough-faced rat-toothed nanny-looking goon who is not famous.

Good riddance.